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Ron, keep 'em coming!!
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:53 am    Post subject:  Reply with quote

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on toast. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps 500 down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of bread!"
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
After two months she was shattered. Then later someone finally told her that meant she had to have her meals with the men.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little boy wanted 100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the 100. When the postal office received the letter addressed to GOD UK, they decided to send it to Theresa May. the Prime minister was so impressed, touched, and amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a 5.00 note. Mrs May thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the 5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: "Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it here via the Post office, trouble is those buggers took 95 of it out of the envelope."



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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 8:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in the well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "My Mam said He stopped calling for help yesterday."
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Church notices:

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honour of his wife.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice he cried, "Be gorra, He's right... I am Farty-two!"



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A travelling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"

Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:

"Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 12:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Oh, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost 100 on Liverpool losing. I put my foot through the television..."
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just had to buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 1:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'



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